Photo by: Ivan Ong
For the most part of my life, I was a person who desired and craved for friendships; the more I had, the better it was. Friendships were something I used to fill up the emptiness and loneliness I felt within me; it defined my identity as a person and provided a sense of security, albeit a false one. But even though I had a deep longing for friendships, it was always something that I struggled to create and build due to my stutter, low self-esteem and introverted personality. Comfort Walls When I was in secondary school, I was always quiet and I would do my best to stay within my comfort zone, refraining from interacting with my peers even though deep down, I wanted to be accepted and affirmed by them. I was continually called anti-social by a classmate and through repetition, I unknowingly believed that was what I am. Some of my peers tried to include me in their inner circle but I was convinced that I would be rejected if they really got to know me and thus, to avoid being hurt and vulnerable, I put up walls around my heart and refused to mingle with them. On hindsight, it is quite ironic considering how I had desired for friendships but yet, I was the biggest obstacle to my want. The Only One That Mattered Most It was this lack that contributed to my deep longing and desire for friendships. I found my first ‘best’ friend (W) in poly and because I never had one before, I was determined to hold tightly onto the friendship. That decision surfaced the brokenness and ugliness of my heart. I became possessive, manipulative and my identity and worth was based entirely on the friendship. I was whatever W needed me to be, my emotions, mood and thoughts were based on my interactions with W. I was also a very intense person and because I put in much effort into cultivating the friendship, I subconsciously demanded reciprocity and had unrealistic expectations of W. I would constantly text and send long messages to W, showing ‘care and concern’, even going to the extent of completing W’s assignments and staying back in school just so that we could have more time and go home together. The reality was that I wanted to be a top priority in W’s life. Somehow by God’s grace, W put up with me and was not affected by my behaviour at all. I struggled to let other classmates into my heart, and because I was unable to click with the people in church, W was the only one that mattered. I carried this unhealthy perspective and behaviours onto other friendships even after I graduated from poly and went separate ways with W. I was constantly yearning for more friends but never getting them, had high expectations for the few that I actually did managed to find and treated some like how I did with W.I would put myself in situations where I would have the opportunity to meet new people in hope that I would get to make more friends. I spent much time, effort and money to invest in the friendships that I had but strangely, there is always this sense of loneliness and emptiness within me even after hanging out. I wasn’t getting anything out of my friendships, I was still searching for a ‘best’ friend and always calculating the number of friendships I had. I could not stand being alone, or if I was, I would wallow in self-pity. I wanted to have what others had, what I saw on Instagram and Facebook, cliques coming together, having fun and taking pictures. Seeking But Not Finding I would always ask why and blame God for my lack of friends; it was really all I cared about. Intimacy and companionship meant a lot to me, and they still matter. I continued to be as insecure, demanding, and lonely till one day, a friend who was frustrated and could not tolerate my unhealthy behaviour finally spoke the truth in love to me. It hit me really hard and my initial reactions were fear and anxiety as I was afraid to lose the friendship. It’s not that I wasn’t aware of my behaviour and actions; I was just unable to stop it. But it was what I needed to hear and what God wanted me to realise. That day however, was the start of my breakthrough, the start of my restoration process. There is nothing wrong with being intense and intentional, provided it is done unconditionally, sincerely and with pure motives. But the care and concern that I had shown to W and others did not originate out of a pure and loving heart; it was merely to feed my insecurities, to ensure that I remain important in their lives and hearts and perhaps to even feed my self-worth. God was hardly in the picture in my pursuit of friends; I prioritized friends over family. I wasn’t in a good place but little did I know that God has begun his redemptive and restorative work, revealing and teaching me lessons in which I would humbly share in the next post.
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