Photo by: Ivan Ong Restoration God had to first restore my identity, to enable me to understand what it meant to be His child, what it meant to be who He created me to be. He had to break my dependence on people and to cause my focus and pursuit to be on Him. Being a young adult, it felt a little embarrassing to discover who I am at my age; it felt embarrassing to learn what it means to be a friend and to manage relationships. But it was a necessary process, a long, painful process and I had to face my deepest fear at that time: Loneliness. However, it was only after I was able to face and overcome it was I able to learn how to be with others, to see my mistake of placing importance in people over God and to experience the promise that God would really be with us and meet our deepest needs. It was a long journey of ups and downs, of learning and seemingly more failures than victories. There were times and moments where I went back to being dependent on people, insecure and emotionally manipulative. But God was there and provided two people who stood by me throughout. I only very recently emerged with a new and perhaps healthier perspective of friendships, which I humbly share below. Treasure From here on, I would like to say that God suddenly blessed me with many friends and I finally had what I always wanted. But no, what God did was even better. He healed and restored my lack and fears; I am no longer afraid to be alone, no longer dependent on people for my identity and security, and I am able to be a better friend, one who no longer manipulates and controls, but loves freely and genuinely from the heart. Yes, I still feel lonely at times but no longer do I self-destruct but rather, am able to re-frame my thoughts and really rest in the quiet assurance that God is near me. I had finally understood when the Bible said ‘I will never leave nor forsake you.’ (Deut 31:6). I lost friendships when God started His restoring work, but the few I was left with become meaningful and dear to my heart. God didn’t exactly send new friends into my life, He might do so in the future, but He deepened the friendships that I already had as I learnt how to submit and surrender to God. I began to appreciate and enjoy them and for people that I am not naturally able to click, God has taught me how to learn to be open and interact with them from a caring and loving heart. It doesn’t come naturally; we have to pray for it and be open to God’s work. I have come a long way in my understanding of friendships, and from being a slave to something that God has meant for good, God has set me from the enemy’s trap and live as how He has created me to be. More importantly, I have learnt how to pursue and place God as the centre of my life, and trusting that He will come through for me. Who or what is the treasure of your heart? I pray that you will be able to experience the reality of God’s power and love, and what He can do for you in your life too, not just in your friendships but other areas of your life too. These are some points that I have learned over the last two years, and I humbly hope it might be useful:
Dear Father, we thank you for the gift of friendships that you have created and given to us, that you have designed for us to enjoy the fellowship and sharing with one another. Lord, teach us how to pursue and enjoy our relationship with You first, so that our security and identity will be placed firmly in you. May we come to realise that You care for our every need, friendships included, and that You have promised to meet every one of them. There is no need too small that You won’t care about. God, as we seek first Your righteousness, may You grant us godly friends that will journey and walk alongside us, where we will have people in our lives that we can celebrate our joys and victories, people to confide and share our troubles and failures, and people that will inspire and challenge us to grow. May You always be in the centre of our friendships and that it would not become an idol that takes Your place and our identity away, and more importantly, You being the treasure of our heart. Teach us Lord, how to be a godly friend and person, to love and bless as how You do. Thank you for always being there for us, even as we may not see or feel you in the mess of it all. We pray for your grace and love to be upon us, in Jesus name, Amen!
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Photo by: Ivan Ong
For the most part of my life, I was a person who desired and craved for friendships; the more I had, the better it was. Friendships were something I used to fill up the emptiness and loneliness I felt within me; it defined my identity as a person and provided a sense of security, albeit a false one. But even though I had a deep longing for friendships, it was always something that I struggled to create and build due to my stutter, low self-esteem and introverted personality. Comfort Walls When I was in secondary school, I was always quiet and I would do my best to stay within my comfort zone, refraining from interacting with my peers even though deep down, I wanted to be accepted and affirmed by them. I was continually called anti-social by a classmate and through repetition, I unknowingly believed that was what I am. Some of my peers tried to include me in their inner circle but I was convinced that I would be rejected if they really got to know me and thus, to avoid being hurt and vulnerable, I put up walls around my heart and refused to mingle with them. On hindsight, it is quite ironic considering how I had desired for friendships but yet, I was the biggest obstacle to my want. The Only One That Mattered Most It was this lack that contributed to my deep longing and desire for friendships. I found my first ‘best’ friend (W) in poly and because I never had one before, I was determined to hold tightly onto the friendship. That decision surfaced the brokenness and ugliness of my heart. I became possessive, manipulative and my identity and worth was based entirely on the friendship. I was whatever W needed me to be, my emotions, mood and thoughts were based on my interactions with W. I was also a very intense person and because I put in much effort into cultivating the friendship, I subconsciously demanded reciprocity and had unrealistic expectations of W. I would constantly text and send long messages to W, showing ‘care and concern’, even going to the extent of completing W’s assignments and staying back in school just so that we could have more time and go home together. The reality was that I wanted to be a top priority in W’s life. Somehow by God’s grace, W put up with me and was not affected by my behaviour at all. I struggled to let other classmates into my heart, and because I was unable to click with the people in church, W was the only one that mattered. I carried this unhealthy perspective and behaviours onto other friendships even after I graduated from poly and went separate ways with W. I was constantly yearning for more friends but never getting them, had high expectations for the few that I actually did managed to find and treated some like how I did with W.I would put myself in situations where I would have the opportunity to meet new people in hope that I would get to make more friends. I spent much time, effort and money to invest in the friendships that I had but strangely, there is always this sense of loneliness and emptiness within me even after hanging out. I wasn’t getting anything out of my friendships, I was still searching for a ‘best’ friend and always calculating the number of friendships I had. I could not stand being alone, or if I was, I would wallow in self-pity. I wanted to have what others had, what I saw on Instagram and Facebook, cliques coming together, having fun and taking pictures. Seeking But Not Finding I would always ask why and blame God for my lack of friends; it was really all I cared about. Intimacy and companionship meant a lot to me, and they still matter. I continued to be as insecure, demanding, and lonely till one day, a friend who was frustrated and could not tolerate my unhealthy behaviour finally spoke the truth in love to me. It hit me really hard and my initial reactions were fear and anxiety as I was afraid to lose the friendship. It’s not that I wasn’t aware of my behaviour and actions; I was just unable to stop it. But it was what I needed to hear and what God wanted me to realise. That day however, was the start of my breakthrough, the start of my restoration process. There is nothing wrong with being intense and intentional, provided it is done unconditionally, sincerely and with pure motives. But the care and concern that I had shown to W and others did not originate out of a pure and loving heart; it was merely to feed my insecurities, to ensure that I remain important in their lives and hearts and perhaps to even feed my self-worth. God was hardly in the picture in my pursuit of friends; I prioritized friends over family. I wasn’t in a good place but little did I know that God has begun his redemptive and restorative work, revealing and teaching me lessons in which I would humbly share in the next post. |
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